Melancholy Monday

Mondays as most people would agree are the worst day of the week. Today was even worse.
Last night I said something to my girlfriend that I completely do not know why I said it. It was one of the single most stupid things I have ever done in my life and I dont think she realizes completely how stupid I feel and how wrong I know I am for saying it to her. She told me last night that she felt better but she slept on it and it was still with her in the morning, no reason to blame her. The idiot that I am continued to shine through and say something else that further enraged her to the point where she nearly left me.
While I know she would not have been happy with this, I would be foolish to say that it was not my fault. If she had left me I would have completely deserved every bit of the misery that would have come upon me from this. I wanted everything to get better instantly and that turned my thoughts to one thing and one thing only.
I wanted it all to end. Everything. When she put those two words break and up on the screen I wanted to run to my car, drive as fast as I could without a seatbelt towards the first large sturdy object I could find and just end it all. There would have been nothing that would have made me happier at that time. Fortunately, she did not leave me but the fact that I considered those actions a viable option is bothering me. Tremendously. I dont need this angst right now. I want to reset to Saturday night before the idiot in me began to shine through.
I have to focus on studying for my final exams now but instead I can't help but focus on the fact that I almost ended everything today. I think its a thought that will stay with me for the rest of my life. The day that I almost ended it all. I had no other reasons to do it but the thought of my relationship with her ending just created such a dreadful feeling of completion, and not in the romantic way. It felt like if she had ended that there was nothing else to live for. It was perfectly logical to me, to the point that I had my car keys in my hand.
It made me think, who would I leave a note to, what would it say, would I even leave one at all? If my girlfriend had left me and had that been the source of why I did it, I wouldn't have left a note for her, she wouldn't have wanted to hear from me, and I wouldnt blame her.
I want to be a different person sometimes, times like this when I just dont know what to do and its only natural to think about being in some other position or someone elses shoes. I want to be in her shoes. I want to have to deal with myself, I can't imagine what it's like, I dont want to. I have tremendous amounts of respect for her because she puts up with me on a daily basis and I really dont know what she sees in me. Sometimes I really think I'm nothing but wortheless

Not goodnight, Badnight