Worried Wednesday

To be honest, I have really been disappointed that I have not been able to get my thoughts out here for the past few days. Not that I NEEDED to put anything down but i enjoy recapping my day and thinking through what happened. I guess i can pick up at the last point that i remember.
Sunday my girlfriend came to visit me at school. Everything became much easier once she got there. Studying for finals became more natural and I had a natural motivation to get things done so I could spend time with her. One of the things I love most about her is how god damn smart she is and how she knows that school and grades are a tremendous priority. So what that my motivation was to be with her and not to do well? She understood that I needed to get things done and it helped me knowing that she understood this. The weekend was amazing, we got snowed in and we were able to just be with each other with no where to go, it was alot of fun.
We drove home tuesday afternoon and it was the most fun i've had in a car probably ever. We danced, goofed off, read magazines, talked about celebrities, politics and romance. She had this romance book that really had some good stuff in it. I dont consider myself romantic, and I know she wishes I was more romantic sometimes but she accepts that I'm not and it makes the moments that I am even more incredible than every moment with her already is. Anyway, i enjoyed the romance book and it makes me appreciate romance a little more.
So that leads me to the present. Boy what a day. The title for today will explain itself with the days events. Since August, my white blood cell counts have been slightly elevated, I've gone back for blood work several times and still the count remains slightly elevated. Today I went to a doctor that specializes in various issues with blood. I walked in and found out that I had to have a bone marrow tap. As soon as I heard bone marrow I knew it was a serious deal. I did not know the amount of pain that I was walking into. It was five minutes of poking, stinging, pressure, electric shock like sensations and unmeasurable amounts of agony. I have a good amount of discomfort from this, the doctor said it would be that way for a few weeks. I'm not happy about that. However, the reason that such a serious precaution needed to be taken was to prove that infact nothing was wrong. High blood cell count potentially means leukemia but the doctor was nearly certain this was not the case with me. I trust him, I usually despise doctors and never take what they say at face value but something about this doctor was reassuring. He tried to really calm my mother down and stress to her how certain he was that this was just a precaution to prove that nothing at all is wrong with me. His logic made sense, he wants to prove that its nothing before he goes and tries to prove that its something small. Anyway, once my initial fury at the doctor for putting me through so much pain wore off i turned my attention to my parents. They've known about this for weeks that this procedure was going to occur. They didnt want to tell me because they didnt want me thinking about it during finals, I appreciate that but for some reason I felt a sense of betrayal. Not that my parents would ever deliberately betray me but part of me would have liked to prep for something like this. My mom was incredibly worried about this and it makes me mad, nothing is wrong, i trust this doctor, i liked him and i for once actually believed everything a doctor had to say to me. The results come in sometime next week, I'll be very glad when this is all over.


"The reason that worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work."
~Robert Frost
Goodnight

Frustrated Friday

As I knew it would, taking the overwhelming majority of the day off yesterday proved to be detrimental. Today I woke up, went to get something to eat, to target with one of my suite mates to get a case of water and then came back and started to sit and play video games until i realized i HAD to do work. After a brief stint back on the couch i realized i had to sit down and start to be productive.
At this point i sat down to the half ass outline that i had attempted to create the night before. The outline upon further reading of the question proved to be completely useless. I went back to the drawing board and started to look through the book that i was supposed to have read. I felt like i was looking for a needle in the hay stack but the question appeared to completely lend itself to the text. However, it would only be luck that something distracted me. The words seemed to blending together, and the same line was read over and over again. The even slightest thought of any minute detail of life would launch me into a tailspin of daydream. I didnt think anything would ever get accomplished
I called my girlfriend, unfortunately yelled at her because i was so frustrated but i felt awful. Even if she was mad at me, she somehow managed to calm me down and I was able to produce a solid amount of quality work.
I dont know if the motivation was to get things done so my girlfriend can come on Sunday or because i care that i need to do well. The frightening reality is that the main motivation was so i could spend time with her. I guess what ever it takes.
I dont know why i was so frustrated that i couldnt get anything done . Sometimes things that really shouldnt get to me to, it was a similar feeling of irrationality that just boiled me over and fueled my frustration.
On another note, my girlfriend went out to a bar with some of her friends. She asked me if it was okay if she could dance with other guys, i saw no objection, i trust her completely. She came home and told me that she felt bad about doing it even if i said it was okay. Does that make me look like i dont care? I hope not. I dont think it does.
I think trust is one of the foundations for a good relationship. I'm no Dr. Phil but i do know that my girlfriend and I established a level trust very early and thing just built upon that. Comfort, knowledge of each other, sexual activites amongst im sure many other small things.
Jealous boyfriends have a sense of insecurity to them, thats why they are jealous. They are not secure in themselves and are worried that someone might offer their girlfriend something that they cant. With my girlfriend I'm not worried about that. I'm comfortable in my own skin around her and we trust each other. I have no need to be insecure that someone else can offer my girlfriend something that i cant.
I think that my ability to trust her outweighs the possible perception that i dont care what she does.
She had a good time even though she felt guilty about dancing with other guys. I'm glad she did, we had a little bit of a rough week. She deserved to have a good time. I think we are at the light on the other side of the tunnel. I think its only natural that serious couples go through weeks like this. In order to prove to yourselves that you are meant to be and that your love will in fact stand the test of time, couples need to go through periods of time like this.
The way things always work out never ceases to amaze me.

"To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved"
~George MacDonald

Goodnight

White Wednesday (since i titled yesterday Thursday)

The title of today since I mistakenly decided that yesterday was Thursday is White Wednesday in honor of the 9 inches of snow on the ground. I might as well start by saying that I did nothing today. I attempted to work on the outline of a paper, got some of it done but gave up very quickly. I need to buckle down tomorrow.
I woke up went to the mall right as the snow was starting to finish my Christmas shopping for my girlfriend. It satisfied to by this gift today. Even though I like my money in my wallet, its nice to buy things for someone you love. I think my gifts are gifts that will show I know what she likes and that every time she uses them she will think about me. I think that is the main gift i want to give to her. All of the money i spent on Christmas is completely worth the smile that I will see when I see her using the items i purchased (I hope that is the effect that i get).
I hung out with one of my suite mates just playing video games and watching sports all day. I didnt move from the couch for about 4 to 5 hours. It felt good though. I had detached myself alot from these guys during the year and I'm really glad that they are still accepting of me and allow me to re attach myself. I'm excited to go home but I always miss having people around for entertainment. Even if I cant stand the people i live with sometimes. Theres a reason we are living together for the second year. We all genuinely like each other. Its only natural when you live with other people for them to get on your nerves and we all did. But things are better now. Things are really good. Its nice to know that you belong to something and that someone is always looking out for you. Its a good group of kids that I've surrounded myself with this year and I'm very thankful for it. I think most people consider this a thankless aspect of life.


Don't burn your bridges
Goodnight

Theoretical Thursday

The title of today really serves no purpose other than to represent the two finals that i took today. While I understand the purpose and objectives of formal education it is the value that is placed on it that sometimes angers me. I think for a college student it is only natural to question the reasoning behind a time like finals. Why do we need it? To further ourselves in life? But why is education the key to furthering a life? Fortunately I feel like I have chosen a path that where you were educated is not as highly valued as in some other fields. It would be accurate to infer based on this viewpoint that i did poorly on these two exams today but I actually think quite the opposite. I feel like i have a better understanding of the view that education is sometimes slightly frivolous sometimes.
As i said earlier i am a conservative spender, not cheap but i would prefer to have my money in my pocket not in someone elses. However, today i was sad when i was told that was what i should do. I wanted to buy my girlfriend one of those fly pens, I couldnt find it, she guessed it. But she was right it was something frivolous. I was something that she wouldnt think of me everytime she used it. Thats what christmas is about to me. Sharing loving moments and thoughts with the ones that you love. I feel like gifts that i got while not as expensive as what i wanted to purchase for her, i think they are items that will (not that she doesnt already) make her think about me every time she uses them.

Its not what you know, its who you know.
Goodnight

Tumultous Tuseday

I dont think my title accurately describes the day I had. While it was tumultuous in the amount of work i had to do today, it was not nearly as bad as my day was yesterday. I accomplished all of my work. I have two final exams tomorrow both of which I feel prepared for. I really do not have much to say today other than that I feel pretty good. I'm almost a little bit confident.
My girlfriends friends are starting to come home, today was the first one, she went out to dinner with her and I'm very happy. Not because it takes the attention off of me but she thinks she has no friends, I think shes wrong. While I do agree with her that the has no friends at college, because of me, I strongly disagree with her when she is home. She has people constantly calling her and instant messaging her attempting to make plans with her. Stephanie has one major issue that drives me nuts because she could not be more wrong. She focuses on her flaws and NEVER acknowledges her best qualities. She has so many of them. I think having her friends home and becoming more occupied will allow her to not necessarily focus on her many good qualities but it will certainly take her mind off of the "bad qualities" that she thinks she has.
I think thats mostly it for the night.

remeber to make your debits equal your credits
Goodnight

Melancholy Monday

Mondays as most people would agree are the worst day of the week. Today was even worse.
Last night I said something to my girlfriend that I completely do not know why I said it. It was one of the single most stupid things I have ever done in my life and I dont think she realizes completely how stupid I feel and how wrong I know I am for saying it to her. She told me last night that she felt better but she slept on it and it was still with her in the morning, no reason to blame her. The idiot that I am continued to shine through and say something else that further enraged her to the point where she nearly left me.
While I know she would not have been happy with this, I would be foolish to say that it was not my fault. If she had left me I would have completely deserved every bit of the misery that would have come upon me from this. I wanted everything to get better instantly and that turned my thoughts to one thing and one thing only.
I wanted it all to end. Everything. When she put those two words break and up on the screen I wanted to run to my car, drive as fast as I could without a seatbelt towards the first large sturdy object I could find and just end it all. There would have been nothing that would have made me happier at that time. Fortunately, she did not leave me but the fact that I considered those actions a viable option is bothering me. Tremendously. I dont need this angst right now. I want to reset to Saturday night before the idiot in me began to shine through.
I have to focus on studying for my final exams now but instead I can't help but focus on the fact that I almost ended everything today. I think its a thought that will stay with me for the rest of my life. The day that I almost ended it all. I had no other reasons to do it but the thought of my relationship with her ending just created such a dreadful feeling of completion, and not in the romantic way. It felt like if she had ended that there was nothing else to live for. It was perfectly logical to me, to the point that I had my car keys in my hand.
It made me think, who would I leave a note to, what would it say, would I even leave one at all? If my girlfriend had left me and had that been the source of why I did it, I wouldn't have left a note for her, she wouldn't have wanted to hear from me, and I wouldnt blame her.
I want to be a different person sometimes, times like this when I just dont know what to do and its only natural to think about being in some other position or someone elses shoes. I want to be in her shoes. I want to have to deal with myself, I can't imagine what it's like, I dont want to. I have tremendous amounts of respect for her because she puts up with me on a daily basis and I really dont know what she sees in me. Sometimes I really think I'm nothing but wortheless

Not goodnight, Badnight

Sundries Sunday

I guess I could start by explaining my title of Sundries Sunday. For the second time in the short life span of this cell phone of mine, I have lost a blue tooth headset. This time only less than a week after purchasing it. For some reason this threw me into a complete fit of rage. I'm not sure why this happened but it made me completely angry. In addition, this is not the first time something like this has happened to me. Over the summer my ATM card got stuck in the machine and i was LIVID. This was not as extreme because i knew it was only an accessory but its a huge inconvenience and its something i really was attached to. However, i reacted the same way, both times it completely puzzled me.
I've always been very secure about my money, I wouldn't call myself cheap, I'm a conservative spender, I like my money in my pocket not someone elses. I think that was what bothered me about losing my atm card was that I did not have access to my money, not that anyone else did and not that I wouldnt see it again. This was a similar feeling and to tell the truth, i didnt even spend my money on the dang thing. I really dont know what I was so angry about.
Other than that today was for the most part an uneventful day. Woke up, ate breakfast, went to long island to see my girlfriend, went to the mall with her, went to the pet store to look for a puppy, then to her family Christmas party and then home. My mom didnt cause me any angst today, I wasnt in the house all day, except for one small thing with the search for the headset, she told me i needed to take better care of my things. Like i really gave a shit about that at the time i just wanted to find the damn headset. I didnt need to be taught a lesson at that point in time.
Anyway, I head back to school tomorrow morning, and once again I'm completely unmotivated to work and guess what, I have alot to do in the next 48-72 hours. Things like this frustrate me because i say to myself i want to do a thorough job and i never do. I just give up. I think there is something wrong. I do the bare minimum, even when i dont want to. Sometimes I think i'm not always capable of higher thinking and more complex concepts, but i sometimes manage to make people think that I am. I do well in school, don't get me wrong, but sometimes i dont know how. I question alot of my abilities sometimes. I always have. I've always been average, never, outstanding, never awful and that worries me. What kind of success does someone average have in life? Average amounts. I dont like that.

"The dictionary is the only place that success comes before work" ~Vince Lombardi
Goodnight

Steadfast Saturday

Today was a slightly interesting day. Several times today I was drawn back to this blog but i felt that it would be much better to recount the days events at night. I woke up today to the smell of fresh brownies that my mom baked, it made me quite happy. However, these brownies quickly turned into a source of discord in my house.
My mother (who did not give me any angst today) attempted to cut the brownies with a plastic knife, don't ask me why. She then thought a butter knife would be a better bet, that failed. She called my dad down to the kitchen and my dad, being the intelligent individual that he is went for the steak knife, which successfully cut the brownies. My mom then asked me dad for something and my dad is a very typical alpha male, he likes his football, beer, buffalo wings and cars, he doesnt know his way around the kitchen. My dad tried looking for the item that my mother wanted and couldn't find it....she SHRIEKED at him. This made me realize that it's not only me that she is completely and unfairly irrational with.
The rest of the afternoon was fairly uneventful. We went to my grandmothers, exchanged hannukah gifts, and then went to my aunt and uncles house for dinner. It was here where my day took a bit of a turn towards the eventful side.
My girlfriend started to get mad at me for something i had no idea about, i just completely did not understand why. The fact that i did not understand this alarmed me, i usually understand why she is mad at me, but this time i did not. Later she told me something that made me understand not about that particular incident but about her general mood for the day.
It was big news and it was not good. While i feel no need to go into the details about what happened, it is something that is a big deal to her and there are very very few things in this world, if any, that make her more upset. It scared me.
I panicked at the situation, I did not know what to tell her, I did not want her to spiral down the path that she had once spiraled down in this situation. All i knew was that i needed to be steadfast and support her. I told her this and for some reason it did not help.
I only had one thing left to do. Go see her and make things better in person. While nothing NEEDED to be reassured it was a reassuring feeling to know that with just my smile and presence i could completely turn what could have possibly been one of the worst days of her life into a seemingly ordinary or better day.
The issue she went through and almost had an encounter with today is something that completely disturbs and sickens me. I don't understand it. It makes me angry. It's almost insulting with her. She knows that I love her, and the fact that she wants to change is slightly insulting to me. But i understand that its not about me and that there are deeper problems that require nothing but my unwavering love and support, and thats what I intend to give her....for the rest of my life.


When life throws you lemons, make lemonade
Goodnight

Freedom of Friday

To everyone, Friday is the end of the work week when people have logged hours at jobs, studying, anything, and Friday is the top of the mountain called the week. You have climbed all week to reach the end. But for me, Fridays often provide more of a sense of constraint. How could this be possible? During the week for the most part I am not a hard working individual, I get things done but they always without fail wait till the last minute, but they get done and usually get done well. Anyone who knows me would vouch for this statement. The weekend comes around and I usually feel guilty that I am not being productive. I feel that since I'm not always productive during the work week, what gives me a right to relax on the weekend. Not like i had a stressful week.
However, this week was different. I did work hard and as I said in previous postings, I'm actually ahead of schedule and based on that I should be entitled to a relaxing weekend. But no, I drove home 2 hours from school today to see my favorite saxophonist Dave Koz in the city and for some reason there was something holding me back from completely enjoying myself. What is there not to enjoy? It was a magical Christmas season evening in New York City with great company, a good place for dinner and a phenomenal musician. It doesnt get any more relaxing. But for some reason I couldnt relax. I did feel like I was on the clock, completely. I felt that because everything in my household is always so scheduled and coordinated there was no wiggle room for any change of plans that may come my way. While I didn't tell my mother (who as i said in yesterdays post is the usual source of my angst and today is no different) that i was driving my girlfriend home to long island from new york city. But the only reason I wouldnt tell her this is because there is NO WIGGLE ROOM.
I dont understand why she can't just let me make decisions especially when it comes to MY girlfriend. Whats the big deal if i drive her home? It's out of my way, yeah, and for those environmentalists, its a waste of gas. But what if it's relaxing to me, to be around the person I love the most. Is it still out of the way, or better yet, is it still a WASTE of gas? No.
While all of this angst and disgust with many of my mother's antics make me more often than not completely detest her, i do understand that she is still my mother.
Which is why I am completely torn in a situation like this. It bothers me that my girlfriend does not like my mother, but i completely understand why, and i can not for even the slightest bit of an instance blame her. However, she is still my mother.
I'm jealous of her family. Its big, loud, fun and most importantly, Genuine. They dont leave each other's presence and immediately start criticizing this one and that one for this that and the other thing. No. The laughter keeps coming. My family is all fake smiles through gritted teeth at each other.
But I'm torn, I dont like confrontation, especially with my mother because like i said there is no winning with her. I know that she likes my girlfriend, she has her doubts about me and my ability to prioritize things incorrectly...but there she goes again, what if i want to prioritize things that way my girlfriend comes before my work?
I think that often times there are some things that are better off unsaid, and I think my angst with my mother is one of them. She is not worth my effort. I'm an adult, I know I will get done what I need to get done, when i want to, how i want to, with who i want to and where i want to.

All of this being said, Don't bite the hand that feeds you
Goodnight

Back Again

I'm back again, much to my own surprise. I always did find things like this interesting but i never had the discipline to do it. I still probably dont. But for some reason i was thinking about this all day. What would occur to me during the day that would be worth thinking about a second time in the day and writing it down. I literally found myself thinking, "would i write this tonight in my blog?"
I had for the most part an ordinary day, 8:45 class, came back to the room, studied, ate, studied, took a final and then came back and relaxed. My room mate and I decided to take the last few shots in the bottle of captain morgan. I didn't get drunk or anything but i was relaxed, it was a nice end to a productive week. Like i said yesterday i'm actually ahead of things for once, i figured i'd celebrate.
It was the first time we both really sat down and relaxed together for a long time and things were much different. I hate to say it, but pledging his frat has actually made him much more tolerable. He finally understands a little bit now.
We sat around playing xbox for a while and watching espn. Pretty Manly eh? Thats basically the course of my day.
I spoke to my parents today, usually a reliable source of angst, nothin was doing there, no rants on that subject.
I think for a day when I went out of my way to ACTUALLY think of what i wanted to write here, i did a pretty miserable job. Or am I just a typical college kid? Who knows its all a part of my favorite saying-"It happens for a reason"



Make Money Not War (My republican answer to Make Art Not War)

Wincing Wednesday

Today was probably the worst day of back pain since it started. Until i hurt it the second time it was much better and by a few days of sleeping on the heating pad it was better already. Its taking a little longer this time. This time the pain is more in the leg than anything else, sort of alarming. I think a few days in the Caribbean and the massage my parents got me will help. The cold weather up here cant make things any better also.
I'm really excited about the cruise, its my favorite week to 10 days of the entire year. I've never been with anyone while im on the cruise though. I would never think of doing anything now but its different, i have something that will draw me back to life on land. I usually never want to get off the boat but things are different now.
I don't really know what to write about on here yet, I dont really know why I am doing this to be perfectly honest, I was told to just write about whatever crosses my mind basically.
I'm laying in bed now as i write this which is where i do most of my thinking so i guess i have alot crossing my mind but cant get it into words. I dont know.
Everything from the final i have tomorrow that i didnt really study for, to my girlfriend, to my parents, my room mate who is still up studying. My bed is usually where i do most of my deep thinking, nothin too serious now, things are going pretty well right now, not really worried about anything. I got all of my work done so I can have a nice relaxing weekend at home.
I was really worried today when I had to tell my girlfriend i couldnt see her one day this weekend but i think it will work out so that i can even for a little bit that day. I'm on cloud nine right now with her, things are amazing, i only worry sometimes that what i do for her isnt as good as what she does for me, she is really amazing to me and sometimes i feel like i dont always show it back to her, she calls me on it sometimes, i know shes wrong but she points out things to me and i usually understand where shes coming from pretty quickly. It makes me think alot more about my actions and decisions at that time. I've said the whole time that she challenges me to be a better person, intellectually and personally? mentally? i dont know what the right word is.
I really cant complain about my mom right now, she told me what i wanted to hear today, and things with my room mates are much much better. My room mate is contemplating journying into the world of adderall, i sorta want him to try it because he's never done anything like that and i want to be responsible for encouraging him. Does that make me sick? i think it would be entertaining watching him on adderall. Or maybe i'm glad that i'm actually ahead of things for a change. Its sort of a nice feeling, but not one that i'm used to. Anyway, i'm out of ramblings for the night.

Goodnight, (insert catchy advice phrase here)